Monthly Archives: August 2013

Mama Needs A Timeout

As a mother, there should never be any doubt that I love my kid with everything I have, that I believe her to be exceptional in every way and better than everyone else’s. That being said… shiiiiit.

Intelligent? Check. Beautiful? Check. Confident? Double check. Graceful? … Well, she is half me, after all. She is so smart and articulate that it’s easy to forget sometimes that she isn’t older and more mature, but then she comes across something that displeases her and it snaps you right back to “Oh yeah. You’re a kid. A little kid. A little kid who’s about to get punched in the head.” Don’t worry, I don’t do it. I just fantasize about it. And sometimes threaten it. But if you threaten something in an English accent, it sounds much nicer, so it’s cool. That’s how I get by in saying some of the otherwise socially unacceptable things I really want to say. It’s all in the delivery.

My Beeb is my favorite, and I tell her so all the time (when we finally have another one, I’ll probably differentiate by saying she’s my favorite Big and the other is my favorite Little, or something like that. We don’t need any Cain and Able drama added on around here). But DAMN she is getting on my nerves lately. I want to be a cool, good, understanding, emotionally safe, nurturing progressive parent. That’s my parental mission statement. And it was so much easier when she was little. Attachment Parenting– while we didn’t follow all of it, all the time- was wonderful when she was little. And I’ll mother the next one very similarly. But now that she’s up talking (whining) and walking around (doing the hop of frustration… if you’ve seen it, you know) and basically a small, emotionally unstable person, it is much harder to maintain a soothing tone, get past my own emotions and help her calmly weed through her own. Shut. Up. Just shut up. Why can’t we have chicken nuggets? Because I made an antibiotic-free roasted chicken with fresh rosemary and seasonal farmer’s market vegetables. Not because I hate you. If I hated you, I’d let you eat the Pink Slime chunks you so desperately crave!!! I want her to feel valued as a human being, and that she has worth, that she should feel comfortable standing up for herself and not like a second class citizen just because she’s young, but sometimes I just want to throttle the little monster.  I’m not a tyrant for asking you to pick up your socks out of the middle of the foyer. This is not your apocalypse!!!

The whining. Have I mentioned the whining? Someone, please, kill me. It literally takes her an instant to go from normal, stable child to an unrecognizable hobbit disfigured with either outrage or angst for the slightest thing. Like, the slightest. Yesterday when I was making her a sandwich, I applied the mustard in a swirling pattern onto the bread before closing it, and she lost her tiny mind because I didn’t spread it with the knife. Even after I showed her that it had squished all over the bread naturally. I’m past the point of the good ol’ “there are starving children in China” and resort to the more modern “there’s going to be a starving child in this house if you don’t calm yourself with a quickness”. It gets mixed results.

I know that this too shall pass, because all in all she’s a great kid. I parent her the way I do for many good, solid reasons, and I know in the end she will be a pretty rad adult. Because that’s the end goal: to raise a well-adjusted, confident, smart, articulate, productive, happy adult; not to have a well behaved kid. She doesn’t take anyone’s crap, she’s assertive and confident in what she thinks (even when she’s dead wrong), and those are well-respected traits in a grown-up. When smashed into an adorable little person who is giving me a pissy look while they rant about the unfairness of having to pick up their toys after a long day of 2nd grade, they just make me want to choke her out. Not all the way, just enough to facilitate a nice, peaceful nap.

She’s in one of her growth cycles right now: Crankiness, sleeping more and eating more. She’ll be sprouting 3 inches within the next month, successfully out-growing all the new school clothes and shoes everyone just got her. But if this first wave of adolescent hormones drops along with her other symptoms, it’s a small price to pay for all our sanity.

Of course, then there are the mornings like today, where I’m so fed up with her from the last week, and even though she’s being good and joking around (she has a pretty great sense of humor and comedic timing beyond her years, I’m very proud), I’m still irritated as hell with every breath she takes, and then I’m the jackass, because now she’s just being funny and silly, and I’m two seconds away from losing my shit.

So today I’m going to decompress, drink my coffee, get some stuff done around the house today in preparation for watching a friend’s kiddoes this weekend (they’re still rather little, I hope they let me squeeze them!) and chill the eff out before my own progeny gets home from school.

If you see a story on the news tonight about a mother who went insane immediately after picking up her kid from school, ripping her clothes off and running screaming through the streets, it was me after her getting in the car and instantly throwing a fit about the length of the line for the slide at recess.

  • Coffee
  • Blog
  • Make the bed
  • Laundry
  • Unload the dishwasher
  • Reload the dishwasher
  • Pick up kitchen
  • Tidy up the guest room
  • Pick up the living room
  • Sort mail
  • Sweep
  • Plan dinner
  • Return library books
  • Pick up offspring
  • Don’t lose mind
  • Dinner
  • Homework
  • Kid bedtime
  • Wine

TEA Friday eCard


Have Mug, Will Travel

As anyone who has broadened their horizons in a direction outward of their home sphere will say to people who have not, you really don’t realize how much you take for granted the accessibility of loved ones. Look at me, I’m saying it to you right now, although I have no idea of how broad your horizons are. Having people you care about within whim-distance of you (that is, close enough to see “on a whim”) is something truly special. While the situation was less than ideal, I was very pleased to be able to go pick up a friend whose car had died, thankfully after all the kiddoes were dropped at school. We had already talked about meeting at her house for coffee, so I had my new favorite Ariel mug in tow. At least that way I felt less like a mooch about the free coffee, and got an extra shot of Torani Classic Caramel syrup. We got to visit and chit chat and goof around, which are some of the things we do best together. We discussed the possibility of going all Breaking Bad in order to generate extra income (although neither of us is a chemist) and I got the news that someone I know is pregnant, and it might be twins, and if you’ve happened to pop over to the WMC and read my latest featured post, you’ll know how happy I am for her, so we talked about that, too.

Alas, if a friend gives you a ride, she will want coffee. If you give that friend coffee, she will stay at your house for four hours and not get anything else done or her blog updated. Which is why I’m here now, at nearly 1:30pm.

Oh, but I did manage to send Shelby off this morning with a cute little Minecraft-inspired bento box lunch I prepared last night. I’ve been pinning the crap out of school lunch bentos lately, and I was inspired. Behold:

photo (1)
Please, contain your excitement

It’s not award-worthy, but it’s not awful. It’s a ham and lettuce sandwich, cheddar and mozzarella cheese cube building blocks and a Creeper apple. The details are made of nori attached with honey. I’ll let you know whether she was stoked or appalled.

I have actually gotten a few things done today. I picked up the kitchen (mostly) and did the dishes. I also realized I hadn’t sent in the house note, and had no stamps, so I rushed out to the post office, with nothing but a twenty. After some nice-but-somewhat-catty bantering between the two postal employees behind the counter, I started to get uncomfortable. I mean, I know it sucks to make that much change, but I did offer to buy a few more stamps to make it easier, though I was not in the mood to buy two entire books, which was her response to my offer. The other woman said “You’re nicer than me, I wouldn’t have sold it to her…” in a tone that clearly stated that cattiness was not my imagination. Then when I asked where the drop was for the outgoing mail, she smiled and said “I’ll take it for you,” which had just enough cartoon villain in it to make me wonder, after handing her the envelope, if my house note was really getting paid on time this month. Guess I’ll find out, won’t I!

So now I’m back at the house, excited that I’ll get to make a list with things already crossed off of it, and that I’m about to have artichoke hearts on toast. Toast I made in the oven, because who loses a toaster that’s sitting on the counter? This girl.

Enjoy the list, and really check out the artsy mugs Disney has out right now. But don’t buy the Ariel one. That one’s mine. There can be only one.

  • Get Shelby to school with awesome lunch
  • Coffee with esteemed biotch
  • Dishes
  • Pick up kitchen
  • Clean vent-a-hood
  • laundry
  • Go to post office
  • Be nice to rude public servants
  • Mail house note (maybe?)
  • Pick up living room
  • Find craft stuff for crafting date tomorrow
  • Find most delicious quiche recipe on Pinterest
  • Pick up Da Beeb
  • Feed said Beeb meatloaf
  • Homework
  • Make sure Mr. Waffles gets some sun time this evening
  • Downtime

The Triumphant Return of The Hausewife

Or, The Renewed Adventures of a Stay-At-Home Mom. I couldn’t decide, so you can take your pick.

Life today is almost unrecognizable from what it was when The Everyday Alchemist was formerly moving full steam ahead. But because my affinity for lists hasn’t been one of the many changes, I’ll break it down for you:

  • We moved back to Texas! This is good for me and good for you, as all my family and friends are here, both groups are awesome, and there will be plenty of shenanigans to share
  • We are in an awesome house! The fact that it isn’t a cramped log cabin should be sufficient awesomeness, but it’s spacious, in a good neighborhood within a good school district and The Hubs’ bestie lives next door (and I swear to God, I am going to have to go over there and murder him right now, because it’s his day off and he’s working on something in his shop that sounds like a jack hammer fueled by cocaine and rock and roll)
  • I have forever escaped the clutches of my horrid excuse for a job, and perhaps will one day actually be able to eat a chicken wing again
  • I’m back at my full time mommy and housewife gig, which is really where I excel (and because I am not paying $10 to change my Xbox live name)
  • I have a brand new- to existence, not just “brand new to me”!- desktop computer with a ginormous screen and the latest version of Microsoft Office so that I can quite pecking out excerpts with my thumbs on my iPhone and actually get down to work on my writing projects
  • I’m working on writing projects that aren’t just mine, as well! I’m editing a comic book (very scary, you won’t be buying the kids a copy for Christmas), I’m the new editor of the Beaumont Breastfeeding Coalition’s newsletter, and I’m a featured blogger over at
  • A change that is good for our family but not always fun is that The Hubs now works offshore. He’s the Medical Person In Charge (yeah, that’s right, I just title-dropped) of an oil rig, and while I’m terribly proud of him, it does rather suck being a single parent 50% of the month. But… that just leaves more time for blogging and crafting and not doing laundry. So the same, really, without the squabbling

Like many of my lists, that got rather off track. I had intended to talk more about The Beeb’s first day of school and how I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of not choking up as I turn her over to her new teacher.

You can see the sadness all over my face

She was so excited to go to school that she got up at 6:30 totally unprompted, and we all had a lovely morning preparing for the day. She was also ecstatic that her daddy got to bring her to school for the first day, too. After saying our goodbyes, he and I went to Rao’s and had croissants and coffee. I realized it was the first First Day since Kindergarten that we’d actually been able to go together, and it was rather like a reward for not altogether losing our shit while wading through the insanity of last-minute supply shopping at The Place of Which We Do Not Speak (I’ll give you a hint- their patrons are often seen in bra-less tank tops and pajama pants with mismatched flip-flops) the day before. It made it a bit easier for him to ship off this morning. By 5:30 am he was on his way, but he stopped to leave a note, and The Producers soundtrack I thought was lost, for me to find when I got in my car. It really is a shame he had to go, because that’s a really good way to get lucky around here.

So now I’m drinking coffee, trying desperately to finish this post before something else distracts me (I am apparently very popular this morning), and getting to work on my list. For your viewing pleasure, these are the things going down today:

  • Make coffee
  • Make beds
  • Pick up the living room
  • Run dishwasher
  • Pick up kitchen
  • Laundry
  • Make meal plans and grocery list (must remember stuff for school lunches AND snacks!
  • Get nails did
  • Go to HEB (can I just say how totally stoked I am to be able to go to HEB again???)
  • Pick up Da Beeb
  • Homework
  • Dinner
  • Dinner clean up
  • Bath
  • Maybe wine (lol “maybe”…)

Damn it’s good to be back. Have a freakin’ awesome day!